so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Come on in and take your pants off
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
