as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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