how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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