Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
