my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just want nice things and good sex
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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