why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
