When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
