I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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