They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
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