Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
