if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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