wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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