Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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