also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
