...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
