Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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