i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
