you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
