She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
