Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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