you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
