Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If I die, sorry about rent.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
