PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize