this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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