i already hear my dad disowning me
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
