Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
