I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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