I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
