Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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