dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
