Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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