You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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