he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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