his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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