Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
