her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
