He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
