I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
