Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
