I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
