found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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