they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
