pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
