Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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