He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
