I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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