sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
