Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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