i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize