the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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