I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
