My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
