toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
the night ended with taco bell and tears
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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