We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
