I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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