Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
