I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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