So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize