He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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