THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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