Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
