I faked an abortion last night.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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