so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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