things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
