she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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