Who did Billy Mays play for?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize