I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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