Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
